writing my proposed research design section

this week, i focused most specifically on work on the research design section of my dissertation proposal.  i did quite a bit of writing on sunday and came up with a strong first draft of my research design, which my classmates and i talked a lot about on tuesday night.  they offered such great and helpful feedback and asked a lot of questions which helped me to deepen my thinking on writing this piece.  then, on wednesday, my chair and i talked about the same piece and she helped to push my thinking even further along.  all in all, it has been a really excellent process and i look forward to spending more time working on it (and on the rest of my proposal) this weekend.

there were two things that really helped me as i planned to write this piece.  the first is something i read in maxwell (2012) in which he describes qualitative research design as having four parts:

1. research relationships
2. setting and participant selection
3. data collection
4. data analysis

he writes quite a bit more about this on page 90 of his 2012 book.  i liked thinking about it in this way because it helped me to give my research relationships quite a bit more thought and space in my proposal.  for me, this piece on relationships is fundamental to my design decisionmaking, and reading maxwell helped me to keep this piece in.

second, a couple of weeks ago, sharon talked in class about breaking up one's research questions into concepts/constructs and taking the time to define and better understand those constructs in the context of one's work.  this was really helpful to me as i looked back on my questions and their relationship to my research design.  around that same time, my chair amy suggested that i create a chart with three columns: research question, data source/s, and data analysis.  combining these two ways of thinking about my questions and their relationships to my data really helped me to fill in the gaps between questions and data sources.

for me, these two pieces pushed me quite a bit further in my thinking and writing this past week.  i have all of the feedback and notes from my classmates and chair gathered together and i'm really looking forward to sorting them out, really thinking through them, and doing a heavy load of writing this weekend.  i can't wait!

busy/exciting times, and a diagnosis

well, this has been a pretty intense and interesting week (do i say this every week?).  classes are going well.  i can't believe that the semester ends in just two and a half months!  it's wild how quickly things move.  in terms of my advanced research methods class, my group meets again today to have a final talk about next week's presentation.  because we got started so early, we ended up having to spend a lot less time working on this project.  we split the work out very evenly and gave ourselves the space to make final changes/edits/critique.  in today's meeting, we are each bringing the handouts we've worked on and we'll spend some time cleaning each other's work up.  i'm excited about this process.  it reminds me how amazing collaborative work can be when all parties are willing to be involved.

re: my dissertation proposal, (a) the readings in my advanced research methods class have really informed proposal-writing from a practical point of view (for example, maxwell's book on qual research design and ravitch & riggan's book on conceptual frameworks have been immensely helpful in my thinking about the organization and delivery of my ideas and argument); (b) the classwork for my proposal-writing seminar has been equally helpful, as we have a group of people working together on our projects -- this week, we began sharing quotes and ideas that will contribute to our lit reviews; (c) sara, my lone cohortmate, and i have been reading each others' writing and offering feedback and this has been an excellent way for me to receive feedback and also extend my thinking on my work; and (d) my meetings with my chair amy have been really exciting and beyond helpful in moving me forward and keeping me on a timeline.  i have no doubt that i'll have a complete proposal in may.  this weekend, i'll be working on a 2-3-pager on my research design.  i really can't wait to write it.

so, i've been talking a lot about my health issues and the various tests i've been undergoing.  this week, i also finally got a diagnosis: i have crohn's disease.  on the one hand, i'm feeling really relieved that i have a diagnosis.  for some reason, my husband and i have had a strong feeling since dec/jan that this was crohn's, so its good to just know.  and on the other hand, it's kinda scary.  my symptoms and inflammation are super mild, so that's good, but i really don't know what the future holds.  over the past year, i've begun creating habits (like meditating, running, etc) that i know will help me in the long run, and knowing that i'm a few months away from coursework and might soon have more time to maintain and develop these good habits is also good.  but i'm still kinda bummed.  i know this sad feeling will pass soon, but for now, i'm kinda just sitting with it.

at the same time, knowing that i have so much support from my coworkers and family and friends helps quite a lot -- in fact, the love and kindness i've received, especially from my husband who is my champion in everything, has been incredible.  and being able to finally work on my dissertation proposal also helps -- it's like, i know that no matter what happens with my health, i have this incredible project that i'm working on and that i'm so passionate about, and that really keeps me excited and enthusiastic.

reflecting on week 1

week 1 of courses was amazing.  i'm so excited to be in my last semester of coursework and to be taking the two classes i'm taking.  i'm most looking forward to getting to work on my dissertation proposal (and i do think both classes will help me to do that).  dr. campano got us all really excited in class on tuesday night, and then nervous when we started thinking about the magnitude and significance of the work to our lives, and then excited again when he told us that with hard work, we can have complete proposals (subject to revision once read by our committees, of course) written by semester end.  yippee!

after class, the other lone cohort-mate of mine who is still in coursework (and is a wonderful human being and fun to be around and to study with) and i went to a wine bar and chatted about the journey and looked forward together, too.  it is great to reconnect with a cohort-mate after a couple years apart.  we're lucky enough to have yet another cohort-mate as our TA for our proposal writing seminar, so i'll be actively using the "cohort love" tag on my posts this semester.  this is clearly a good time to announce that i just added a "dissertation" tag to this post.  aaah!  i'm tagging things "dissertation" -- that time has come.  i'm obviously too excited to be very coherent in this post, so i guess, reader, you'll have to trust that things will be more coherent in future posts.  i'll leave it at that.

a hectic but happy week

this past week was so hectic!  we've officially moved into the second half of the semester.  i know this because my fels course has been broken up into two halves: the accounting half, which we just completed and the budgeting half, which we've just begun.  i'm looking forward to the budgeting portion of class, but my one disappointment so far about this unit is that it seems too heavily focused on government budgeting with no real eye toward non-profit budgeting.  i hope we at least get some taste of the latter in the next six weeks.

having the beginning of the second part run into the end of the first was more stressful than i expected: we had our first day of our new budgeting class this past saturday and the final for our accounting class due this past sunday.  it was hard to think about our new unit and assignments this saturday when we were still working on our final accounting projects, which were group projects.  i have a lot to say about group projects, but i think i've said much of this stuff previously -- it gets challenging when only half of a group is committed to responding, communicating, and just plain timeliness, but we worked through it and handed our project in on time.  because there were many leader-y personalities in the group, i expected to take a backseat on the group management end, but i ended up becoming the de facto leader at some point, much to my own surprise.  anyway, it all worked out and hopefully, we'll have a grade we're happy about.

this week, i also had a team presentation in my discourse analysis class -- my classmate T and i presented on "repertoire and recontextualization" on thursday.  the presentation went pretty well and we got a perfect score, so that was good.  even though there are six or so weeks left in the semester, i find myself thinking about my final paper and looking forward to at least developing a good outline and beginning my work on it soon.  the thing i've missed most this past few months is doing research and writing a good academic paper.  i'm really looking forward to it.  i emailed my professor with some clarifying questions about the final assignment and once i get a response, i'll get started.

the one really exciting thing about this past week was that i got to spend time with a couple of people from my cohort.  last friday, i had coffee with one cohort-mate and we shared tons of news and insights.  it's so nice to reconnect.  and then just yesterday, another cohort-mate visited me at work for a few minutes.  our cohort has so much love for each other, but we don't see each other too much, so it was really lovely getting to hug these folks and listen to their news and chat about school and life things.

anyway, more later... for now, i'm off to work on my first budgeting homework assignment! 

what is "of substance" anyway?

oops... i just kinda got scolded for not posting on my blog enough and it's true: i quite often miss the "post once a week" mark.  part of the reason why is that i find myself wanting to write posts "of substance."  for whatever reason, i don't find weekly updates to be "of substance" enough in this particular forum.  i think i might be wrong in this thinking and i've decided this post might be a good medium for really interrogating this perspective.

what, in writing, really counts as "of substance?"  in fact, what counts as writing?  i've found that in my interviews and conversations with coworkers, many of whom write quite a bit for work, they, too, often don't identify as writers, or don't identify certain types of writing as "real writing."  when asked why, they often say things like:

• this kind of writing doesn't count the way that academic writing might.
• does emailing count as writing?
• much of what i do is regular writing, like everyday writing that everybody does, so i don't think i'm a writer.
• i never really thought of myself as a writer, but you're right... i do write a lot for work, so maybe i am...

academia seems to set up a hierarchy of writing where professional and publishable ("scholarly") writing has more worth than other kinds of writing.  but in terms of our epistemic interactions with the world, wouldn't you say that things like writing a grocery list or sending emails to our friends and significant others, or texting people are quite a bit more "of substance" than, say, publishing in a journal?  it makes me wonder how, as people, our abilities to measure value and substance are skewed by the contexts we inhabit.  then again, maybe my measure of "of substance" in the context of this blog is measured by what i think the audience (primarily people visiting the GSE admissions page) might be interested in reading.  and maybe that group is interested as much in the daily life of someone like me as in these more specific "issues"-y posts?  i really don't know...

challenges in one-eyed reading and dominant ideologies of health and healthcare

so, i've continued to deal with my eye illness (though i'm definitely on the mend!) and it's made doing the normal everyday school (and work) things a little challenging.  i basically can't see out of my left eye right now and that leaves my right eye to do all of the heavy lifting at work, at home, and in school.  doing physical tasks (like cooking or painting my nails, for example) with just one eye can be challenging because i don't have as much depth perception, so my "aim" isn't very good.  and reading and writing with just one eye is challenging mostly because it just puts a lot of extra strain on the eye and the eye ends up having to work extra hard.  in any case, it just means that i'm reading slower and having to take lots of breaks.  more than that though, i'm learning to be patient with my body and to not get frustrated at my new pace.  and to be forgiving if i don't get all my reading done.

interestingly, reading bloomaert's "discourse" for my discourse analysis class has helped me to think deeply about various issues surrounding my eye illness.  i was particularly moved by the chapter on ideology.  i couldn't help but think about the various ways in which i interact with dominant ideologies in my own life, especially in relation to health and wellness and the healthcare system.  here are some connections to healthcare i made while reading bloomaert's chapter on ideology (he makes lots of references to gramsci, by the way, who i was completely enamored with when i was 18 or 19... just a random fact):

• "... when it comes to explaining how ideologies become ingredients of structures of power and control, van dijk's solution is straightforward: people control themselves by means of the ideologies they have in their heads, and they do so as a group because the ideologies are group ideologies" (162).  i've been thinking about this a lot in the context of medicine and food.  one thing i've found in my interactions with my doctors, with family members and friends, and with people in general (including co-workers) is that people just don't seem to see much connection between the food they eat and their health.  now that i'm dealing with this major inflammation in my eye (and potentially elsewhere in my body), i've changed my diet and begun eating tons of anti-inflammatory foods.  i've also given up alcohol, gluten, certain meats, dairy, and certain inflammatory produce (including tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, and potatoes).  yes -- it's a major transition, but i've seen major improvements in my health since making these changes.  this dominant ideology of medicine as not linked to food controls people's decisionmaking about their own health.  for example, people who are sick don't necessarily feel the need to change their diets to get healthy.  and even though i told my doctors that changing my diet has helped me heal faster, they don't really have an interest in researching anti-inflammatory foods, suggesting these things to other patients, or even acknowledging how important it is!  the ideology is so ingrained that people can't see past it or through it or whatever.  even though my co-workers and family members know that these changes are helping me, they still say things like, "well, one sandwich won't kill you!"  and i have to reiterate, "you're right -- it won't kill me, but it might make my eye take longer to heal and frankly, i'm ready to have my vision back!"  i think those two things seem so separate to people that they can't really fathom such a direct connection.
• "no idea is in itself 'ideological;' it may become ideological as soon as it is picked up by power-regulating institutions such as the media and inserted into the ideological reproduction system they organize.  thus, the media seem to have the power to construct deep ideological messages out of trivial, sociologically insignificant events or phenomena" (163).  i guess for me, the institutions i kept thinking about when reading this are the food and health care industries.  another way i'm thinking about this is specifically in the context of insurance.  the ways that we often think about ourselves as healthy (and ailing) people are within the confines of our health care plans.  if you don't have health care, your options becoming exceedingly limited.  and at the same time, if you have an HMO plan like me, everything is parsed out by your PCP's office -- they are the deciding authority on whether you can go to certain specialists and if you decide you want to go to an alt med professional like a chiropractor or acupuncturist, you actually have to convince your doctor that this is, in fact, your body and that it doesn't matter what their belief system about these things are because you are both working in a system that unfairly gives them a certain power over your health decisions.  i often find myself thinking about my own health within the boundaries of what is allowed by my health care plan; i think of specialist visits in terms of co-pay and so on.  and then we're surrounded by all these public discourses that reinforce those ways of thinking and being.
• "at the end of the day, hegemony may be what it is because there is a real price to be paid for being anti-hegemonic.  the price may be that one is not understood, not heard, not recognised as a subject, but it may also be that one is ostracised, exiled, killed or jailed, made unemployable, or declared insane.  as foucault has shown, the boundaries of hegemony are well guarded by coercive institutions" (167).  at a lesser level, i find that regardless of what i do with my body (for example, my change in diet to heal inflammation), the health system is still primarily concerned with its own set of standards.  when i come into my doctor's appointments, i can mention how much the anti-inflammatory diet is healing me, but my doctor's interest is specifically in whether i'm following my medicine plan, whether i'm taking my pills and drops at the recommended doses, and so on.  so i'm allowed to be counter-hegemonic on my own time (for example, i'm sharing my knowledge with others who are dealing with inflammation and with friends, family, and coworkers online), but those practices are still seen as completely separate from who i am in the medical system and it's expected that i don't voice those particular practices in my doctor's visits because they're seen as irrelevant to the issue at hand.  in that system, i am represented by a series of charts and blood test results and logs of each visit and all those things, but it's unlikely that they will ever include any notes on the things i'm doing on my own to heal my body.

well, those are some of the ways that bloomaert's chapter really spoke to my life this week. of course, as i mentioned earlier, the book is really, really interesting and even though it is kind of a primer on various approaches to thinking about discourse, it also is a great primer for larger concepts relating to power and identity.  and it's super accessible, too.

an update

it's been about two months since i've written, but here's an update on what's been going on in my life this semester. i spent january and the first half of february studying for comps. the process was kind of intense and confusing. i knew i had to read within a few large themes (territories): research paradigms for literacy studies; critical/feminist/literary theory/research/practice; research on pedagogy, curriculum, and/or assessment of RWL; and cultural and linguistic diversity. in the take-home portion of comps, there would be four essay questions, one focusing on each of these territories. i also knew somewhat in advance the two morning/in-class essays i'd have to write, one a specialization question and another one a question about my studies and learnings so far.

the actual exam took place over a weekend, beginning with a four-hour in-class exam on friday, feb 17, followed by a weekend of research and writing, which was a really intense process. i felt pretty prepared for the intellectual challenge of the weekend, but i really hadn't prepared for the emotional and spiritual challenges of doing that work. i read and wrote a lot and barely slept through it. i felt so thankful to have my husband by my side all weekend offering moral support, letting me use his desk and computer when i needed, and doing every possible thing to keep me afloat (including going on an ice cream run at some point on saturday). various friends and family also offered help and support via pep talks and phone calls and texts. it really helped to feel that love and support throughout the weekend. to be honest, that was one of the most valuable things i got out of the weekend -- that feeling that no matter what happens, i have this loving, supportive group of people who will stick it out with me.

it apparently takes 4-6 weeks to get our comps results back. we haven't heard back yet, but i think we will in the next week. after the weekend was over and i'd handed my papers in, i didn't really feel relief, but more just stress and this feeling of being drained in every way. it took a couple of weeks to really bounce back. i didn't even bother opening or rereading any of what i'd written once i regained my sense of self. i'm not sure if i will reread, though maybe i should. anyway, i'm glad it's over and i'm ready for the next step.

comps group: take 1

though i'm just a few weeks past handing in my master's portfolio, i've officially begun preparing for comps. two weeks ago, i met with my advisor and she approved my comps questions. then last night, i met with a couple of cohort-mates who will be taking comps with me and we drew up a plan of action to sort the readings from the various classes we've taken over the past 3+ years and to study them with interest and depth.

our meeting was filled with (for me, anyway) a really wonderful blend of nostalgic and new energy. on the one hand, these are women with whom i began my doctoral journey and whose writings and thoughts have inspired me over the years. however, since most of my cohort-mates are part-time students, we have barely had opportunities to see or study with each other since our first year and so our paths have seemed to veer in different directions. being back together to take our comps is refreshing and energizing.

i am excited to learn from these inspiring women, to read and write alongside them again, and to remember dr. sipe's words: that we all have a legacy together. i'm sure i'll write more posts about comps over the next ten weeks, but as you can see, it has already become that perfect rwl doctoral studies blend of stress and excitement. one thing i've enjoyed about my cohort is that we all seem to tear through everything we're reading, picking it apart with passion and curiosity and making deep connections to our lives and work. even this initial meeting seemed to stir up this same blend among our now tiny group: we are all so excited to re-read and remember, but we're terrified about the time limitations.

last night, sitting together around a table and taking notes, we commented that it felt like it had been ages since we'd done this. and at the same time, we couldn't believe that we'd made it this far.

i haven't written in about a month and that means i'm at that point in the semester where my work feels overwhelming and i am losing track of my responsibilities. it's never a good sign, or maybe it is. in any case, i ended up getting assigned a ton of work in each class this week. for some reason, people think that thanksgiving break means people have more time to do work. let me just straighten that out right now: thanksgiving break does not give students extra time to do work. for starters, it's the exact same amount of time between classes as in any other week and if anything, there's less time because we have to spend time traveling or being with family.

so, to fill you in on what i've been up to since i last posted:

- i handed in my master's portfolio!
- i got my comps questions approved (i'll be taking them in the spring)
- i finished the count of monte cristo (i know, this isn't school-related, but still, it was an awesome book)!
- i'm a presentation and a paper away from having completed my fels course (at which point, i'll be 3 down and 2 to go)
- i'm a final curriculum as inquiry project away from having completed my master's course
- i'm taking a fels winter course on grant writing

i'm excited about how my coursework has shaped up this year. re: this weekend, i am really just going to try and push my way through a lot of work. i read two books for class today and wrote a response paper i'm not even sure how, but i have worked up the energy to write one more short paper tonight. i'll see where i am tomorrow, but i'll hopefully be in a good place so i can do more writing and revising. wish me luck!

paper-writing and positive group relationships

i got a lot done this week, including my "selected questions" paper, which is the second of the two larger papers in the master's portfolio. yay. after writing it, i also revisited the larger portfolio and wrote a few of the smaller reflections. the portfolio is shaping up nicely. one of the things i need to do for the portfolio is to choose a few "artifacts" from my coursework to include in the portfolio and then to write a few paragraphs about each, i think partly explaining the work i did for them and partly explaining my reactions to rereading them. it's probably going to be enjoyable once i do it, but for now, i'm kind of feeling blah about having to reread old work.

i also began working on an organizational assessment that is part of the small group work for my "leading nonprofits" class. the small group work is a semester-long project in which we work with a real nonprofit in the city to offer advice by way of an organizational assessment, case statement, and strategic analysis. a bare-bones first-draft of the organizational assessment was due this past tuesday, prior to our first meeting with the organization's leadership team (in this case, the project director). i think a few weeks ago, i was expressing some anxiety about the possibility of working in a group where the members aren't interested in collaboration or hard work. i'm happy to report that i've lucked out again! both of my group members are smart, thoughtful go-getters. each of us has taken time to initiate assignments and offer feedback and to me, this is at the heart of good group relationships. on top of that, it seems like we're all positive and well-intentioned, which definitely helps. given that we each work full-time, having good attitudes and valuing collaboration takes away some of the stress typically associated with group projects.

all in all, even though i did a whole lot of reading and writing this week (and also left a lot unfinished), i feel pretty happy about where i am and about how the semester is shaping up. getting the "selected questions" piece done especially has taken quite a bit of stress out of my life, because i can now focus on my two classes.

a new approach to paper-writing

i took the day off today to work on my "selected questions" paper, which is the second of the two main papers that make up the master's portfolio. i've been working on it a lot this week and especially today but in the process of doing so, i've realized that i have developed something of a new process of writing and it looks kind of like this:

1. table of contents as a working outline
so, i've pretty often used outlines as a good start to writing, but lately, i don't necessarily write in-depth outlines right away. instead, i start by writing a table of contents, which acts as my pg 1 for my document. it's kind of a working outline with notes hear and there, but primarily, with a general sense of the "sections" i'm looking for and approximately how many pages i see each one becoming.

2. "what i already know"
prior to doing a lot of reading i write into each table of contents section with notes and ideas formed by "what i already know." this helps me to flesh out some of the ideas i already have, as well as to ask questions around what i want to learn.

3. journaling throughout the process
i keep a hand-written journal of the process. this includes notes, ideas, questions, and so on. it also includes things that are semi-relevant like, "this paper is annoying me" or "what should i eat for dinner tonight?" in any case, it's kind of living documentation of the work in progress. i also use this journal to take notes of the things i read. as my journal fills out, there are also page reserved for special types of notes. for example, in my SQ paper journal, i've got pages like:

-journals (journals that many of the authors i'm reading publish in that i want to check out or can imagine eventually submitting manuscripts to)
-terminology (words certain scholars use that i want to dig into or question further. for example, i've read quite a few articles by an australian scholar who is writing on work and learning, like i am, but who uses different terms for things than i or other american writers might)
-ongoing questions (questions that this work brings up for me)
-future work (questions and ideas that may or may not be related to the topic at hand, but things i want to come back to)

4. gather literature, read, and take notes
i gather a lot of literature via google scholar, as well as other places. i begin by reading abstracts and conclusions and then dip in and out of the bodies of articles. as i skip through the articles, i note down interesting ideas, questions, and so on into my journal. i also have a somewhat formalized system for my marginal notes. for example, i use stars to point to big ideas; i sometimes underline terms and concepts i want to return to; and i use astrisks for things i want to dig deeper into, namely other authors/works/texts that the authors reference.

5. stop at any point in this process to write into the main paper doc
i stop reading/note-taking somewhat frequently when i feel inspired to add to my main paper document.

i find this current system to be easy but also very organized, so its made paper writing feel a lot more thoughtful, simplified, and inviting. i end up feeling very focused and not scattered, which also helps me to feel closer to the work.

back in session

so, school is back in session. although my classes don't begin until next week, i had the privilege yesterday of overhearing the voices of many, many new students who came through our building for orientation. i always forget how exciting and new fall feels, not just because of the start of the new school year but also because it's a season of rebirth.

this semester, i'll be taking two courses and working on my master's portfolio. on september 1, i handed in a draft of one of the main master's portfolio papers, which is called the "conceptual territories" paper and which i wrote a bit about in an earlier post. on october 1, i'll be handing in a draft of the other main paper, which is called the "selected questions" paper. i'll be writing an i-search paper, which i've never done before. my question is about the intersections of learning, work, and identity. i had planned to start writing a draft of my paper this week, but so far i've just done a bunch of reading (which has been fun). one of the books i'm reading is mike rose's lives on the boundary. it's really well written and easy to dive into.

[as an aside, i've also been re-re-reading salman rushdie's haroun & the sea of stories with my husband. we read about a chapter a night before bed. it's such a good story. if you haven't read it, you should. here's a great line from the chunk we read last night: he knew what he knew: the real world was full of magic, so magical worlds could easily be real.]

in any case, as i said, i'm also taking two courses this semester. the first is dr. campano's "forming and reforming the reading/writing/literacy elementary curriculum," which is one of the required courses for the master's degree. i'm interested in the course, but also a little nervous that it'll be quite a bit out of my focus of study. i'm curious as to whether it's appropriate for me, but i guess i'll have to wait and see. i haven't seen the syllabus yet. the second course i'm taking is a fels course called "leading nonprofits," taught by tine hansen-turton and nicholas torres. they just sent the syllabus today and it looks pretty interesting. over the course of the course (heh), students work in groups and build a mock non-profit together. i really hope that my group is a good group of stable, professional, reliable folks. my group in my fels class last spring was so, so good and i'd love to have a similar dynamic.

anyway, that's kind of what i'm looking forward to this fall. and you, if you're interested, can look forward to more frequent posts from me. in keeping with the semester schedule, i'll be trying to post once a week. yay.

dr. sipe

on march 11, my advisor dr. sipe passed away very unexpectedly. i've had a difficult time really expressing how huge a loss this is to me and to my life. in thinking about how to write this post, i decided that it's best to start at the beginning:

i'd been an employee at gse for at least a month or two when i found out that dr. sipe would be my advisor. i'd gotten the notice while in a meeting with my supervisor and another coworker and they proceeded to rave about how amazing dr. sipe was. both agreed that i'd love working with him. still, i found dr. sipe incredibly intimidating and was nervous about being his advisee.

we had our first meeting a couple weeks later over lunch at a local bar. at the time, i packed lunch every day, unable to afford to buy food at restaurants. nervous that i might be expected to pay for both our meals, i ordered a side of fries and a water. during our talk, we puzzled together about why we'd been paired: he was an expert on children's responses to literature and picturebooks and i was interested in adult literacy and identity. despite this confusion and my nervousness, dr. sipe made one thing achingly clear: he said, "melissa, i'm your advisor and you should feel free to ask me anything."

he went on to reassure me that there was no such thing as a stupid question; academia is full of vagueness and ambiguity, especially in terms of program policies and the like, and dr. sipe could be my light in this regard, explaining things that were unclear and helping me to understand the process of doing a doctorate. i think i knew then that dr. sipe would be someone i could trust. i spent most of our meeting asking dr. sipe questions about the program, which he answered thoroughly and patiently. at the end of lunch, our check arrived and i reached into my purse for my wallet. dr. sipe stopped me and said, "melissa, i'm your advisor. when we go out to lunch, i pay."

that fall, i took my first two doctoral courses, one of which was taught by dr. sipe and called "responding to literature." in class one night, dr. sipe talked about lineages, explaining that his dissertation chair was like his academic parent and that those of us whom he advised or for whom he acted as dissertation chair would become his children. others who shared the same chair as he were like his siblings, and we all would share this same relationship as well one day. at the time, the idea of an academic family excited me and truthfully, while i hadn't imagined dr. sipe would be my dissertation chair (given our starkly different research interests), he had already in many ways become like an academic father to me.

in that same class, dr. sipe helped me to conduct and write up a mini study on immigrant adults' responses to "the arrival," a picturebook by shaun tan. he was really impressed with the final product and had urged me to revise and submit it to a scholarly journal. although i met with him a few more times over the past couple years to think about and talk through my revisions, i still haven't completed it.

over the past year, my relationship with dr. sipe had grown dramatically. i trusted him a lot and had shared quite a bit about my personal life with him. this all sounds very heavy, and admittedly, i have shed many tears in trusted professors' offices, but dr. sipe and i mostly had a lot of fun together. in keeping with the tradition we'd started at our first meeting of enjoying food while in each other's company, i had developed a habit of bringing treats to his office when we met and i delighted in seeing dr. sipe's face light up when i brought them.

dr. sipe always knew the right thing to say. for example, last summer, when i cried to him in his office about a sick relative, he reminded me that i need not rush through my program of study and assured me that he would support me if i chose to take a leave of absence from classes. and just two months ago, when i came to him for advice about my doctoral candidacy portfolio, he said, "melissa, please don't take it too seriously. sometimes, you make projects bigger than they have to be." his statement stung, but i think he knew he needed to be honest with me. and when i went back to my desk to work, i understood what he meant. writing isn't about perfection; it's about honesty. when i handed in my portfolio and emailed him to let him know, he wrote back, "Thanks, Mel--I have it. Looks good."

many people at gse have become like parents to me, and yet losing dr. sipe has made me feel a bit parentless in this place. i know that i can take his advice and use it to become a better writer and scholar, but i really haven't come to terms with his not being around, and i really miss him.

spring break

this past week was spring break and let me tell you, i loved every minute of it. of course, i am a full-time worker, so i was still working everyday, but it feels amazing to get to leave work by 5 or 5:30 and be home by 6. what a privilege and something that i forgot was even a possibility.

so, the semester's going well. to give you a sense of what all i've accomplished so far: i've done a presentation and accompanying exam in my managing talent class; i have also written a bunch of pieces (including a case statement, SWOT analysis, prospect reports, and solicitation materials) toward a financial plan for a nonprofit organization. these two things are pretty big for me. even bigger are two program-specific things: (a) i submitted my application for the certificate in nonprofit administration at fels and (b) i submitted my doctoral candidacy portfolio. woohoo -- it feels amazing to get those two things off my plate, but on the other hand, i'm starting to feel slightly anxious about what the responses will be. will i get into the certificate program? will i become a doctoral candidate? i hope so.

anyway, the only thing that's really been disappointing about spring break is the weather. can it be 60 degrees already?

back in session

school is back in session and i feel excited for the semester. although i'm a doctoral student in RWL, i don't have a master's, so i asked my advisors if it would make sense to get the master's along the way, and they agreed that it's a good idea. so, for the next year, i'll be taking a master's course each semester. i haven't interacted much with RWL master's students, but i know i'll learn a lot from the folks i take classes with this semester. so, here's what fall is looking like for me:

education 629: teaching english/literacy to adolescents in middle and secondary schools w/susan lytle, deb broderick, molly buckley, and sarah hobson

a couple of years ago, i wouldn't have been very interested in this class at all, but now, it's right in line with the out-of-school work i'm doing. this summer, with my friend jonathan, i started a volunteer organization called philadelphia immigrant mentoring collaborative(PIMC). we pair volunteer mentors (mostly undergrad penn students) with local immigrant youth (mostly high schoolers) who are interested in improving their conversational english, working on other school subjects, and learning about navigating school and planning for college. given this work and how little i know about what actually happens in schools, i'm really excited for the opportunity to learn about the ways adolescents in middle and high schools interact with english and literacy in the classroom. there's a possibility that i might be doing my field observations at FACTS charter school, which is just a couple of blocks from my house and has a large asian and asian american population. it would be right in line with the kinds of work i'm doing, though maybe it wouldn't give me as fitting an impression of what immigrant students face in public schools.

education 723: multicultural issues in education w/vivian gadsden, katrina bartow jacobs, melissa hentges, karim mostafa, and myself(!!)

that's right -- i'm also part of a teaching team this semester. we had our first class on monday and we have about two planning meetings a week. so far, i'm really happy with the way the class is going (including our syllabus, our plans for the semester's work, and the small group i'll be working with). the students are excellent and the readings are interesting and compelling. what i didn't expect was to be so comfortable as a TA in a classroom and to feel so excited to work with graduate students. the first day was inspiring and really fun. i've never thought that i'd be that interested in becoming a faculty member at a university or working with graduate students, but now that i'm a part of the teaching team for this class, that possibility has been opened back up for me. i hope i have some opportunities to research my own process of teaching in this class and also to understand more deeply how graduate students experience the classroom. i just can't wait to get to know these students, read their writing, and hear their ideas over the course of this semester.

well, that's all i've got for now. this semester, i'm committed to posting on this blog every wednesday. i hope i stick to it! it's been a strange summer (which i may talk about more later), but i'm surprisingly feeling very rejuvenated to be back in classes this semester. i can't wait to write more.

let life get in the way

a friend of mine and i were talking this weekend about how life sometimes gets in the way of school.  we grad students have a tendency to place school first and do other things (ex: socializing with friends; eating regularly; calling family members; bathing; etc.) only when we have time.  i was talking to her about my dad -- when he was in medical school in the 70s, he got really sick over finals week, recovered too late to make up the exams, and had to redo an entire year of school.  as i said to her, he's told me this story a couple of times when i've complained about feeling like i wasn't moving fast enough in life in order to let me know that in the long run, that little bit of falling behind doesn't even matter.  it's true -- despite having to do that year over, he still became a doctor, still has a family he loves, and still has a happy and fulfilling life.

while i've always known all of this, i sometimes get wrapped up in the immediacy of school requirements.  i find myself not caring about food or rest and i lose track of the things that are important in life.  yes -- doing well in school is important, but really not as important as spending time with my friends, getting enough sleep, and making time for my husband.

in the long run, it's okay if one weekend, i only read the "conclusions" sections of my assigned readings, or if i skim a book instead of reading it all the way.  it's equally fine to go out on a saturday night and sleep in on sunday.

this is a lesson i'm familiar with, and yet i still need to re-learn it every once in a while.  and that's okay, too.

my current research interests and things that i'm thinking about right now

1. as a member of GSE's academic support staff, i've been really fascinated by the intersections of writing, power, identity, and social positioning in the support staff person's experience of the academy.  in spring 2009, i did a small study and wrote a paper about a few support staff members' ideas about and experiences of writing at work.  looking at workplace writing on a small scale, as well as comparing to my own workplace writing and connecting it to ideas about ownership and power was really interesting work.  i hope to do more work on this topic in the future, including further studies and writing.  i also plan to teach some writing workshops to GSE staff in spring 2010.

2. i'm also interested in asian pacific american and immigrant identity construction, understandings of social positioning, feelings of othering, and notions of success.  i'm still in the beginning stages in this strand of work.