lately...

work has been pretty intense.  the aera conference was in philly this year and while i don't attend the conference, doing gse's party during the week of the conference is a part of my job.  being that the conference was in philly this year and that it's also our centennial year, i expected to have quite a bigger turnout than most years, so the event was quite a lot of work.  rather than the usual 120-150 attendees, i planned for 500 (and we ended up getting 600, having to turn 100 away, which was very stressful!).  overall though, the party was a huge success and my boss was happy.  that said, i'm glad it's over.


so, i gave myself a week off of dissertation work, which was nice.  i spent a lot of my downtime reading.  i'm currently reading chimamanda ngozi adichie's "americanah."  if you're into her, she just recently did an awesome interview/chat with zadie smith that is totally worth the view/listen and it's completely relevant even if you haven't read any of her books.

now that my event is over, i can get back into end-of-semester work.  for me, this includes a couple of smaller events that i do each year, some for faculty and one exciting end-of-year luncheon for staff (one of my favorites to plan because i think staff appreciation is so, so important).

finally, i should mention that i've been ruminating lately about how having to interact with large bodies of academics at once (and especially newer academics and doctoral students) can conjure up a lot of negative feelings for me.  part of this is that i get the sense that there's a lot of unnecessary cattiness and competition and sometimes, i feel (and maybe this is unwarranted) that some of that negativity is directed at me.  as a part-time student, i'm often less privy to a lot of the socializing and bonding that happens between full-timers, and so i don't necessarily get to interact with the guild of academia with the same fervor as others.  i'm also not that excited about participating in the guild, further propping it up, or even sort of working within the establishment once i'm done my degree, so maybe i just don't completely get the fascination and enthusiasm for it, despite my deep admiration for educators, researchers, grassroots actors, activists, writers, and so on.

this week, reflecting on all of the above, i was able to have a couple of very nice conversations with people who seem to situate themselves within this space in similar was as i do and it was nice and refreshing to have those conversations, to have my seeming disengagement/lack-of-engagement/desire-not-to-engage validated.  i'm not sure how much i feel comfortable using this particular space to talk about this particular issue and i can't yet comment on how possible it is to feel this way and study here.  the verdict is still out, but it does help to know that others are doing the same kinds of wondering.

march end update

i'm working pretty hard lately, but that i'm in this stage where there are lots of unfinished bits and pieces that i'm wading in.  it's actually a really interesting part of any creative process, when you've got a bunch of pots of soup, each at the beginning stages of being made, and you are trying to pay equal attention to all the pots, but with the awareness that they won't all get done at the same time, nor all have been given the same amount of attention.

so, regarding data: as of tonight, i've completely "dirty transcribed" all of my interviews and have three left to "clean" before sending them to participants.  i also completed three group discussion/descriptive review sessions over the last month -- they went really well and generated lots of interesting discussion, but i have yet to transcribe those recordings.  that will be a fun project for april.

at the same time, i've also begun outlining 8 or so of the big emerging themes into little chunks of notes.  they're not yet fleshed out enough to talk about here, but it's nice to see the ideas in relationship to each other, and to see various data and things i'm reading kind of talk to each other.

that's all i've got for now... unlike previous years, i seem to be blogging about once a month, but as i've said in earlier posts, that seems to be the nature of being a part-time student working on a dissertation.  lots and lots of wading in deep waters and then little moments when you can surface and report.  kind of a comfortable place to be at this point, for me at least.

data collection update

it's been about a month and a half since my last post, but i think if anything, it's a good representation of the nature of dissertation work.  re: my dissertation, i've conducted about 12 interviews now and they've all been incredibly interesting.  they've also enabled me to make friends with folks i've known somewhat peripherally for years.  i love that.  in addition, some interviewees have followed up with me post-interview and said, "our chat about such-and-such helped me to think about such-and-such differently," so i think there is some positive impact there, both in terms of how talking about work can extend our relationships to the work we do and also in terms of how talk in general is meaning-making work.

i had laid out some other data ideas that have yet to come to fruition.  first, i wanted to record some workshop sessions, but after the first one, i realized that the act of recording disrupted the workshop space.  a couple of attendees had said things like, "i wanted to make sure to talk enough about power and writing," and i worried that the knowledge that this might contribute to dissertation data was reshaping the content, maybe negatively in terms of impact.  so, while the talk itself was enjoyable for participants, it took away from the goals of the workshop session, one main goal being to workshop workplace writing needs.

interviews have been my primary data source, but i have actually found this same pattern in interviews too. whereas i try to keep the space pretty conversational and am completely open to participants' talk covering a variety of topics (including but not limited to writing and power), participants tend to self-censor or interrupt their own trains of thought to make comments like, "hmm... well, this doesn't have to do with writing, so maybe i should stop," or "well, i don't think this will be relevant and i don't want to waste your time."  so, i find myself having to reassure that everything we discuss is useful to me because i'm interested in the relationships between writing and the other things that come up.  i haven't figured out the right schtick yet to best explain this interest, but i'm getting there.

i had also planned to collect some anecdotes from former employees, but this has not been that fruitful.  a few folks have expressed interest, but have not had the time to provide something.  i'm not sure how to go about this.  i'm thinking about maybe asking each person if they'd be willing to have a 5-minute recorded phone conversation instead.

whereas over the past two or so months, i have been focused primarily on interviewing, i want to spend the next month being equally focused on interviewing and transcribing.  now that my eye flare (which began in october) is in deep healing, i feel more able to transcribe for long stretches.  i hope i can get a lot of transcription in over the next month!  more updates to follow.

researching and reading

since my last post, i've begun conducting interviews for my dissertation.  it's been an incredible process.  after each interview, listening again to the recordings, i'm learning so much about how to be a better interviewer.  the biggest piece has been to step back, allow silences, and allow people to direct the conversation.  so far, the interviews have been illuminating.  i'm interested both in how people write at my workplace and also how the workplace enables them to construct their identities and make meaning about our workplace and its social and political dynamics.  it's amazing how much these issues come up in regular conversation and what a deep awareness people have of the politics.  it's also been interesting to listen for power in the conversations, to see it emerge in areas i didn't expect.  this work is so exciting.  i'd love to spend my life interviewing people about their lives and work, learning about how they think and who they are and where work fits into all that.  really, i could do it all day.

outside of that, i should be doing better at reading academic things.  i've been wanting to start reading "images of organization," which one of my committee members suggested to me.  i did read the introduction and loved it (and looking at the table of contents got me pretty excited about the book) and i can't wait to read more.

but i have to admit, i've been indulging in all kinds of novels instead.  the newest one, which i just purchased about a week ago, is called "dreaming in cuban" by cristina garcia--it's her first novel, which she wrote in 1992, and it was recently banned from the curriculum in arizona schools because of what a parent of a 10th grader described as "porn," but could more accurately be described as a few short paragraphs describing sex.  in any case, a book being banned somewhere is probably one of the best reasons to purchase it with urgency and read it as soon as possible.  that said, and as i've likely written on here before, i have a tendency to have 10-20 books open at once (i would love to know the cure for this), so it takes me a while to really get into and finish a book.  i want to try and curb this by finishing up the two or three books that i'm more than halfway through.  once that happens, i'll start reading this one (admittedly, i already read the first few pages).  anyway, i'll let you know how it goes.

a post-summer update

last semester ended in a rushed, stress-filled month of anxiety.  i got my coursework done, worked my butt off on revising my proposal and preparing for my hearing, and lost lots and lots of sleep in the process.  my proposal hearing went really well (i passed!), but it left me feeling completely empty in the strangest way.  it would take me a few weeks to realize that my body just can't do all-nighter followed by all-nighter anymore and that i don't process stress and lack of sleep that well.

after my hearing, i got sick again and then it clicked: "oh, i actually can't just keep going on as if i don't have crohn's and uveitis.  i have to make room in my life for my illnesses because they aren't going anywhere."  so, i took the summer off and spent the time overhauling my health plan.  for starters, i switched my specialist doctors to two people who are much more trustworthy and much more open to the idea of my using diet, rather than traditional medicine, as a treatment for my diseases.  this shift in doctors has actually helped me to shift my own thinking.  having doctors who support my plan enables me to stretch my plan.

now, the semester has started and i'm quite a bit healthier (off most of my meds and eating a really clean, crohn's-friendly diet).  though i'm no longer in coursework, i want to approach this semester with a deep level of interest and a commitment to spending time on my dissertation work.  equally, i want to give myself some reading homework each week.  luckily, my chair has also formed a research group of her advisees, which meets every other way, where we can share our progress, ask questions, and talk about each other's work.  that's been pretty helpful so far.

right now, i'm working on getting my IRB protocol done.  it's actually been taking way more time than i thought it would and i'm just anxious to get it done.  more to update later as i dive into this work!

pouring your soul in

as you might have imagined, i've spent the past week in the throes of proposal writing/revising/completing and it really took a lot out of me.  that said, i think it turned out well.  you know that feeling where you've been so inside something you're writing and so absorbed by it that when it's done, you really have no clue how to measure if what you produced is good?  that's kind of where i am.  my proposal hearing is in a couple weeks, and i'm really hoping that after a few days away from the proposal (and after getting adequate rest), i'll be able to read the damn thing and figure out if it's any good.  and of course, this scenario brings with it the possibility that it's horrible and then i'll likely spend the week before my hearing crying hysterically.  as you can see, in its high stakes moments, grad school can really illicit all kinds of unexpected and extreme emotions.

at the same time, grad school, for me at least, has also been a journey of struggles and milestones.  in a way, it's like high-intensity interval training.  you're never really stopping, but you do get those slow-down-and-breathe moments, but only to catch your breath and then you're moving again.  so, i guess producing this proposal has been a real milestone moment for me.  as one program-mate commented to me, it's different than other projects because those are papers you write that matter to you but then they're over.  this is something that is big and thorough like a paper, but in essence, it's like a pre-step to doing the research you want to do.  you're arguing that the project you want to do matters and it's really an argument that is tied to the soul.  so "pouring your soul into your writing" becomes a very literal, actualized experience.  and that's bound to drain a person.

for me, it has been both exhausting and exciting.  on the one hand, i have produced this gigantic thing and i feel so done.  and on the other, i really do just want to have a catch-my-breath moment and then jump right back into it.  i have already created a draft set of proposal hearing slides for my presentation, but i'm sure i'll have a ton of ideas on how to revise it once my head has cleared a little.  we'll see.  truth be told, despite being exhausted, i can't wait to get started on my dissertation research.

writing my proposed research design section

this week, i focused most specifically on work on the research design section of my dissertation proposal.  i did quite a bit of writing on sunday and came up with a strong first draft of my research design, which my classmates and i talked a lot about on tuesday night.  they offered such great and helpful feedback and asked a lot of questions which helped me to deepen my thinking on writing this piece.  then, on wednesday, my chair and i talked about the same piece and she helped to push my thinking even further along.  all in all, it has been a really excellent process and i look forward to spending more time working on it (and on the rest of my proposal) this weekend.

there were two things that really helped me as i planned to write this piece.  the first is something i read in maxwell (2012) in which he describes qualitative research design as having four parts:

1. research relationships
2. setting and participant selection
3. data collection
4. data analysis

he writes quite a bit more about this on page 90 of his 2012 book.  i liked thinking about it in this way because it helped me to give my research relationships quite a bit more thought and space in my proposal.  for me, this piece on relationships is fundamental to my design decisionmaking, and reading maxwell helped me to keep this piece in.

second, a couple of weeks ago, sharon talked in class about breaking up one's research questions into concepts/constructs and taking the time to define and better understand those constructs in the context of one's work.  this was really helpful to me as i looked back on my questions and their relationship to my research design.  around that same time, my chair amy suggested that i create a chart with three columns: research question, data source/s, and data analysis.  combining these two ways of thinking about my questions and their relationships to my data really helped me to fill in the gaps between questions and data sources.

for me, these two pieces pushed me quite a bit further in my thinking and writing this past week.  i have all of the feedback and notes from my classmates and chair gathered together and i'm really looking forward to sorting them out, really thinking through them, and doing a heavy load of writing this weekend.  i can't wait!

overwhelmed, but still enthusiastic

this week was short -- we had monday off for mlk day, meaning my qual methods course didn't meet.  it also gave me an extra day to spend with my husband.  we went to new jersey with another friend of ours and spent a good part of the afternoon with my tattoo artist.  i got three really pretty tattoos on my legs (which i can hopefully post pictures of when it's warmer and when they've healed) and my friend got her first tattoo ever, which is on her forearm.  it was a really fun process and i'm in love with my new ink.

on tuesday, i had my doctoral seminar.  it was great to chat about the readings and about our proposed work, but we were also told that we may not be sharing our proposal drafts in class over the semester, but rather should be working on them independently.  this has me a little apprehensive, but i might ask either (a) if we can change this plan or (b) if a few folks in the class want to share our work independently.

on wednesday, i met with my advisor amy to officially ask her if she'd be my dissertation chair and she said yes!  she also gave me a bunch of homework to do in preparation for our next two meetings.  i'm really happy she's my chair -- she is not just super adept and knowledgeable about qual research, and literacy and learning, but she's also really adept at goal-making and timeline-obeying and i really need all of this.  i'm genuinely thrilled that she has agreed to be my chair.  i'm sure i'll write more about her and this process over the coming years, but in the meantime, she is helping me to feel positive and enthusiastic and challenged.

amy also suggested i email a couple of cohort mates about reading their proposals, which i did today.  one has already sent hers to me, and i hope to read it over the weekend.  speaking of reading, that's another thing i've been feeling overwhelmed by.  i've likely mentioned this a billion times over the past few years, but i'm kind of a slow reader.  especially on weeknights, when i've had a long day at work, i find myself struggling through material, even stuff i'm really interested in.  so, the gigantic batch of reading i've been assigned has been tough to maneuver through, but i'm doing my best.

reflecting on week 1

week 1 of courses was amazing.  i'm so excited to be in my last semester of coursework and to be taking the two classes i'm taking.  i'm most looking forward to getting to work on my dissertation proposal (and i do think both classes will help me to do that).  dr. campano got us all really excited in class on tuesday night, and then nervous when we started thinking about the magnitude and significance of the work to our lives, and then excited again when he told us that with hard work, we can have complete proposals (subject to revision once read by our committees, of course) written by semester end.  yippee!

after class, the other lone cohort-mate of mine who is still in coursework (and is a wonderful human being and fun to be around and to study with) and i went to a wine bar and chatted about the journey and looked forward together, too.  it is great to reconnect with a cohort-mate after a couple years apart.  we're lucky enough to have yet another cohort-mate as our TA for our proposal writing seminar, so i'll be actively using the "cohort love" tag on my posts this semester.  this is clearly a good time to announce that i just added a "dissertation" tag to this post.  aaah!  i'm tagging things "dissertation" -- that time has come.  i'm obviously too excited to be very coherent in this post, so i guess, reader, you'll have to trust that things will be more coherent in future posts.  i'll leave it at that.

my final semester of coursework

my semester begins on monday and i am soooo excited to start my two final courses of my program.  it's taken me four and a half years to get here and i really am kind of bursting with a mix of excitement and apprehension.  one piece contributing to the anxiety is that my eye illness came back.  things like sleeping right and exercising and eating well all help me curb the symptoms of this illness, but being in school while working full time leaves little time for these essentials, so i'm hoping i can find a way to really do it all.  i've started working on that this past week by getting into bed early and waking up early.  it's a struggle, but i'm working at it.  i just need to remind myself of the why.  there is a purpose for all of this and i need to keep that present, especially on those days when i just don't want to get out of bed.

the two courses i'm taking this semester are "advanced qual methods and case analysis" with sharon ravitch and my doctoral seminar with gerald campano.  i've taken classes with each of these faculty members before and am really looking forward to working with them again.  i'm sure i'll have more to report once classes start next week, but i'm hoping to begin reading for my monday class over the weekend.  i am so looking forward to all this semester has to offer.

nearing the end of another semester

i guess this is my final post for the semester.  the semester, of course, isn't yet done, but we're close!  to give an update on my post from last week, my teammates and i did really well on our presentation (i think).  if you're interested in seeing it, you can do so by clicking here.  i used prezi to create this presentation.  i find it super easy to use and manipulate.  it's great for illustrating challenging concepts or making connections between multiple ideas.  i have also used prezi for note-taking and paper planning.  after our presentation, one of my groupmates sent around an email with some notes she took on people's post-presentation questions for us.  we used these notes to revise our paper and i handed it in on behalf of the group just yesterday.  i'm really happy to be done for multiple reasons: (a) i'm officially done with my fels cert work; (b) it's easier now to focus on my final work for my other class; and (c) it's just nice to complete such a large and challenging project!

so, now i'm working on my final paper for my other class.  i have pages and pages of relatively organized notes, but i am still struggling with getting the thing written.  one piece of this is that i've picked up and begun reading three new books, two fiction ones and one historical one.  i love reading, but sometimes, i get so caught up in a book that i can't seem to do anything else.  i need to figure out a way to change this habit.  right now, i'm just trying to stay up in my office (away from my kindle) and concentrate on getting some things written.  hopefully, i'll accomplish at least SOME of this.  maybe i'll even have a chance to update this post with positive news tomorrow.  time will tell.

a hectic but happy week

this past week was so hectic!  we've officially moved into the second half of the semester.  i know this because my fels course has been broken up into two halves: the accounting half, which we just completed and the budgeting half, which we've just begun.  i'm looking forward to the budgeting portion of class, but my one disappointment so far about this unit is that it seems too heavily focused on government budgeting with no real eye toward non-profit budgeting.  i hope we at least get some taste of the latter in the next six weeks.

having the beginning of the second part run into the end of the first was more stressful than i expected: we had our first day of our new budgeting class this past saturday and the final for our accounting class due this past sunday.  it was hard to think about our new unit and assignments this saturday when we were still working on our final accounting projects, which were group projects.  i have a lot to say about group projects, but i think i've said much of this stuff previously -- it gets challenging when only half of a group is committed to responding, communicating, and just plain timeliness, but we worked through it and handed our project in on time.  because there were many leader-y personalities in the group, i expected to take a backseat on the group management end, but i ended up becoming the de facto leader at some point, much to my own surprise.  anyway, it all worked out and hopefully, we'll have a grade we're happy about.

this week, i also had a team presentation in my discourse analysis class -- my classmate T and i presented on "repertoire and recontextualization" on thursday.  the presentation went pretty well and we got a perfect score, so that was good.  even though there are six or so weeks left in the semester, i find myself thinking about my final paper and looking forward to at least developing a good outline and beginning my work on it soon.  the thing i've missed most this past few months is doing research and writing a good academic paper.  i'm really looking forward to it.  i emailed my professor with some clarifying questions about the final assignment and once i get a response, i'll get started.

the one really exciting thing about this past week was that i got to spend time with a couple of people from my cohort.  last friday, i had coffee with one cohort-mate and we shared tons of news and insights.  it's so nice to reconnect.  and then just yesterday, another cohort-mate visited me at work for a few minutes.  our cohort has so much love for each other, but we don't see each other too much, so it was really lovely getting to hug these folks and listen to their news and chat about school and life things.

anyway, more later... for now, i'm off to work on my first budgeting homework assignment! 

a fall update

the new semester is in full gear and i'm so excited to be back in classes.  i should mention that i've been sick for the past month with an eye illness, so it's made it a little hard to do regular things like write emails and post on my blog, but i'm making it work.

this semester, i'm taking two classes: "discourse analysis" with betsy rymes and "public financial management," which is a fels course focusing on accounting and budgeting.  so far, i'm really enjoying the readings for the courses. i'm in the middle of chapter 1 of the first book for dr. rymes' class, which is called discourse: a critical introduction, by jan bloomaert. so far, it does a really good job of giving a lay of the discourse studies land, so to speak.  i'm really excited to read more.

although we're reading one somewhat blah textbook for my accounting class, we're also reading an intensely interesting book called uncharitable: how restraints on nonprofits undermine their potential, by dan pallotta.  this is one of those can't-put-it-down type books that you want to read on your commute, at quick stops and waits, etc etc.  once i've finished it in a couple weeks, i'll probably write another post with a more complete opinion about it.

i should add that i've continued to do some fiction work and i've got a few novel and short-story type things in the works.  writing is fun.  hope everyone's fall is feeling as rich with promising new possibilities as mine is!

an update

it's been about two months since i've written, but here's an update on what's been going on in my life this semester. i spent january and the first half of february studying for comps. the process was kind of intense and confusing. i knew i had to read within a few large themes (territories): research paradigms for literacy studies; critical/feminist/literary theory/research/practice; research on pedagogy, curriculum, and/or assessment of RWL; and cultural and linguistic diversity. in the take-home portion of comps, there would be four essay questions, one focusing on each of these territories. i also knew somewhat in advance the two morning/in-class essays i'd have to write, one a specialization question and another one a question about my studies and learnings so far.

the actual exam took place over a weekend, beginning with a four-hour in-class exam on friday, feb 17, followed by a weekend of research and writing, which was a really intense process. i felt pretty prepared for the intellectual challenge of the weekend, but i really hadn't prepared for the emotional and spiritual challenges of doing that work. i read and wrote a lot and barely slept through it. i felt so thankful to have my husband by my side all weekend offering moral support, letting me use his desk and computer when i needed, and doing every possible thing to keep me afloat (including going on an ice cream run at some point on saturday). various friends and family also offered help and support via pep talks and phone calls and texts. it really helped to feel that love and support throughout the weekend. to be honest, that was one of the most valuable things i got out of the weekend -- that feeling that no matter what happens, i have this loving, supportive group of people who will stick it out with me.

it apparently takes 4-6 weeks to get our comps results back. we haven't heard back yet, but i think we will in the next week. after the weekend was over and i'd handed my papers in, i didn't really feel relief, but more just stress and this feeling of being drained in every way. it took a couple of weeks to really bounce back. i didn't even bother opening or rereading any of what i'd written once i regained my sense of self. i'm not sure if i will reread, though maybe i should. anyway, i'm glad it's over and i'm ready for the next step.

staying afloat

my winter study plans are in full swing. i'm actually lucky enough to get a week of paid holiday this upcoming week, which means i can focus on my winter class and my comps studying. to be honest, i thought i was off to a good start with studying for comps but i got caught up on other work last week (including having to hand in a final for my fall class, having A LOT to do at my job, having homework for my winter class, and having some family stuff going on) and all that meant that i fell a bit behind on comps studying. i know -- it's pretty disappointing.

still, i finally have all my materials in one place (in the physical world, that means it's all on one table finally; in the virtual world, i'm working on a prezi where all my notes can live and interact with each other). overall though, i think i'll be okay. two months from now, comps will all be over... i think.

comps group: take 1

though i'm just a few weeks past handing in my master's portfolio, i've officially begun preparing for comps. two weeks ago, i met with my advisor and she approved my comps questions. then last night, i met with a couple of cohort-mates who will be taking comps with me and we drew up a plan of action to sort the readings from the various classes we've taken over the past 3+ years and to study them with interest and depth.

our meeting was filled with (for me, anyway) a really wonderful blend of nostalgic and new energy. on the one hand, these are women with whom i began my doctoral journey and whose writings and thoughts have inspired me over the years. however, since most of my cohort-mates are part-time students, we have barely had opportunities to see or study with each other since our first year and so our paths have seemed to veer in different directions. being back together to take our comps is refreshing and energizing.

i am excited to learn from these inspiring women, to read and write alongside them again, and to remember dr. sipe's words: that we all have a legacy together. i'm sure i'll write more posts about comps over the next ten weeks, but as you can see, it has already become that perfect rwl doctoral studies blend of stress and excitement. one thing i've enjoyed about my cohort is that we all seem to tear through everything we're reading, picking it apart with passion and curiosity and making deep connections to our lives and work. even this initial meeting seemed to stir up this same blend among our now tiny group: we are all so excited to re-read and remember, but we're terrified about the time limitations.

last night, sitting together around a table and taking notes, we commented that it felt like it had been ages since we'd done this. and at the same time, we couldn't believe that we'd made it this far.