researching and reading

since my last post, i've begun conducting interviews for my dissertation.  it's been an incredible process.  after each interview, listening again to the recordings, i'm learning so much about how to be a better interviewer.  the biggest piece has been to step back, allow silences, and allow people to direct the conversation.  so far, the interviews have been illuminating.  i'm interested both in how people write at my workplace and also how the workplace enables them to construct their identities and make meaning about our workplace and its social and political dynamics.  it's amazing how much these issues come up in regular conversation and what a deep awareness people have of the politics.  it's also been interesting to listen for power in the conversations, to see it emerge in areas i didn't expect.  this work is so exciting.  i'd love to spend my life interviewing people about their lives and work, learning about how they think and who they are and where work fits into all that.  really, i could do it all day.

outside of that, i should be doing better at reading academic things.  i've been wanting to start reading "images of organization," which one of my committee members suggested to me.  i did read the introduction and loved it (and looking at the table of contents got me pretty excited about the book) and i can't wait to read more.

but i have to admit, i've been indulging in all kinds of novels instead.  the newest one, which i just purchased about a week ago, is called "dreaming in cuban" by cristina garcia--it's her first novel, which she wrote in 1992, and it was recently banned from the curriculum in arizona schools because of what a parent of a 10th grader described as "porn," but could more accurately be described as a few short paragraphs describing sex.  in any case, a book being banned somewhere is probably one of the best reasons to purchase it with urgency and read it as soon as possible.  that said, and as i've likely written on here before, i have a tendency to have 10-20 books open at once (i would love to know the cure for this), so it takes me a while to really get into and finish a book.  i want to try and curb this by finishing up the two or three books that i'm more than halfway through.  once that happens, i'll start reading this one (admittedly, i already read the first few pages).  anyway, i'll let you know how it goes.

a post-summer update

last semester ended in a rushed, stress-filled month of anxiety.  i got my coursework done, worked my butt off on revising my proposal and preparing for my hearing, and lost lots and lots of sleep in the process.  my proposal hearing went really well (i passed!), but it left me feeling completely empty in the strangest way.  it would take me a few weeks to realize that my body just can't do all-nighter followed by all-nighter anymore and that i don't process stress and lack of sleep that well.

after my hearing, i got sick again and then it clicked: "oh, i actually can't just keep going on as if i don't have crohn's and uveitis.  i have to make room in my life for my illnesses because they aren't going anywhere."  so, i took the summer off and spent the time overhauling my health plan.  for starters, i switched my specialist doctors to two people who are much more trustworthy and much more open to the idea of my using diet, rather than traditional medicine, as a treatment for my diseases.  this shift in doctors has actually helped me to shift my own thinking.  having doctors who support my plan enables me to stretch my plan.

now, the semester has started and i'm quite a bit healthier (off most of my meds and eating a really clean, crohn's-friendly diet).  though i'm no longer in coursework, i want to approach this semester with a deep level of interest and a commitment to spending time on my dissertation work.  equally, i want to give myself some reading homework each week.  luckily, my chair has also formed a research group of her advisees, which meets every other way, where we can share our progress, ask questions, and talk about each other's work.  that's been pretty helpful so far.

right now, i'm working on getting my IRB protocol done.  it's actually been taking way more time than i thought it would and i'm just anxious to get it done.  more to update later as i dive into this work!

overwhelmed, but still enthusiastic

this week was short -- we had monday off for mlk day, meaning my qual methods course didn't meet.  it also gave me an extra day to spend with my husband.  we went to new jersey with another friend of ours and spent a good part of the afternoon with my tattoo artist.  i got three really pretty tattoos on my legs (which i can hopefully post pictures of when it's warmer and when they've healed) and my friend got her first tattoo ever, which is on her forearm.  it was a really fun process and i'm in love with my new ink.

on tuesday, i had my doctoral seminar.  it was great to chat about the readings and about our proposed work, but we were also told that we may not be sharing our proposal drafts in class over the semester, but rather should be working on them independently.  this has me a little apprehensive, but i might ask either (a) if we can change this plan or (b) if a few folks in the class want to share our work independently.

on wednesday, i met with my advisor amy to officially ask her if she'd be my dissertation chair and she said yes!  she also gave me a bunch of homework to do in preparation for our next two meetings.  i'm really happy she's my chair -- she is not just super adept and knowledgeable about qual research, and literacy and learning, but she's also really adept at goal-making and timeline-obeying and i really need all of this.  i'm genuinely thrilled that she has agreed to be my chair.  i'm sure i'll write more about her and this process over the coming years, but in the meantime, she is helping me to feel positive and enthusiastic and challenged.

amy also suggested i email a couple of cohort mates about reading their proposals, which i did today.  one has already sent hers to me, and i hope to read it over the weekend.  speaking of reading, that's another thing i've been feeling overwhelmed by.  i've likely mentioned this a billion times over the past few years, but i'm kind of a slow reader.  especially on weeknights, when i've had a long day at work, i find myself struggling through material, even stuff i'm really interested in.  so, the gigantic batch of reading i've been assigned has been tough to maneuver through, but i'm doing my best.

romance novels: the pickled ginger of reading

i sometimes find myself so overwhelmed with everything i've been reading for school that my mind can barely process thoughts anymore.  if i find myself unable to go on, to get work done, i know i need to take a break and when that time comes, i hop onto amazon and buy a cheap romance novel for my kindle.  by cheap, i'm talking $1 or $2, rarely anything more.

contrary to what you might imagine romance novels to look like, given the danielle steele era of my (and maybe some of your) youth, this genre has really grown.  anne browning walker wrote a short piece about this in huffpo this past summer: why smart women read romance novels, and while i didn't mind or disagree with the sentiment, it isn't exactly the reason i read romance novels.  i read them because they're light (although they can definitely be emotional... admittedly, i've cried in the midst of reading one or two); they're short and easy to speed through; they often involve other elements of good novels like action, adventure, good writing, a well-told story; and they are a good palate-cleanser.

sometimes, i end up reading a few of these short novels in a weekend.  not all of them would qualify as "romance" though.  some are just memoirs with a few hints of romance; others, like tracey garvis graves' "on the island" are straight-up ultra-realistic adventure novels with thoughtful romantic elements thrown in.  anyway, my whole point is if i'm feeling a little trapped and unmotivated to read or do work, i find that reading a few books that are easy to breeze through and compelling story-wise helps set me on track.

fridays are my study days

last week, i was reading an article in the new york times called "mondays aren't as blue as we think."  the article said two things: (a) despite all the anti-monday memes, research has shown that people aren't any more sad, stressed, or frustrated on mondays than any other weekday and (b) we often make decisions based on memories of experiences and our memories are often flawed (for example, we might remember an event based on how it made us feel, or we might remember the best parts of a vacation rather than the worst), which means that our decisionmaking processes might be equally flawed.

i can attest to this in terms of my own relationship to my eye illness, which i've had for about 11 weeks now.  despite that the illness is relatively serious and scary, i find myself forgetting the scariest moments or ill-est moments and thinking more about the ways that the illness has made me grow as a person, the way that it has made me a healthier eater, the ways it has made me more daring in my day-to-day life, and the friendships that have bloomed out of it (for example, some unexpected friends have been extra caring/interested/loving during this time and my relationships with my best friend, my husband, and my parents have all grown extra strong).  so, my memory has been skewed toward these particular facts and i often forget all of the icky and painful things that were also a part of the past 11 weeks.  where this becomes problematic is in my future decisionmaking: while i had no vision in my left eye, it was easy for me to abstain from eating nightshades or gluten or dairy, but now that i've gained most of my vision back, i forget how bad it was to not have vision in my eye and i forget how much my food choices affect my physical well-being (not that i'm the type of person to go out and have a giant slice of cake or eat 10 tomatoes, but more that i have had a hard time saying no to coffee and peanut butter cups this week!).

anyway, back to the article on mondays, i've found that our conceptions of certain days really do tend to guide what we think are appropriate activities for those days.  i was recently telling someone that friday nights are the nights when i curl up in bed with my cat and read.  the person was surprised, saying, "but you're so social -- i'd take you for a going-out-on-fridays type."  the truth is, i am social, but i also really enjoy my alone time and fridays feel a little too rowdy to go out.  i tend to go out with friends on weeknights instead.  i've also found that somehow, coming out of a stressful work week, fridays are the nights i like to get some homework in.  i have no clue how this works in my brain from a logic standpoint, but somehow it just does.  i feel productive and energetic on friday nights.  getting work done at a slow and easy pace feels relaxing, and it all sets me up to have less work over the rest of the weekend.

challenges in one-eyed reading and dominant ideologies of health and healthcare

so, i've continued to deal with my eye illness (though i'm definitely on the mend!) and it's made doing the normal everyday school (and work) things a little challenging.  i basically can't see out of my left eye right now and that leaves my right eye to do all of the heavy lifting at work, at home, and in school.  doing physical tasks (like cooking or painting my nails, for example) with just one eye can be challenging because i don't have as much depth perception, so my "aim" isn't very good.  and reading and writing with just one eye is challenging mostly because it just puts a lot of extra strain on the eye and the eye ends up having to work extra hard.  in any case, it just means that i'm reading slower and having to take lots of breaks.  more than that though, i'm learning to be patient with my body and to not get frustrated at my new pace.  and to be forgiving if i don't get all my reading done.

interestingly, reading bloomaert's "discourse" for my discourse analysis class has helped me to think deeply about various issues surrounding my eye illness.  i was particularly moved by the chapter on ideology.  i couldn't help but think about the various ways in which i interact with dominant ideologies in my own life, especially in relation to health and wellness and the healthcare system.  here are some connections to healthcare i made while reading bloomaert's chapter on ideology (he makes lots of references to gramsci, by the way, who i was completely enamored with when i was 18 or 19... just a random fact):

• "... when it comes to explaining how ideologies become ingredients of structures of power and control, van dijk's solution is straightforward: people control themselves by means of the ideologies they have in their heads, and they do so as a group because the ideologies are group ideologies" (162).  i've been thinking about this a lot in the context of medicine and food.  one thing i've found in my interactions with my doctors, with family members and friends, and with people in general (including co-workers) is that people just don't seem to see much connection between the food they eat and their health.  now that i'm dealing with this major inflammation in my eye (and potentially elsewhere in my body), i've changed my diet and begun eating tons of anti-inflammatory foods.  i've also given up alcohol, gluten, certain meats, dairy, and certain inflammatory produce (including tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, and potatoes).  yes -- it's a major transition, but i've seen major improvements in my health since making these changes.  this dominant ideology of medicine as not linked to food controls people's decisionmaking about their own health.  for example, people who are sick don't necessarily feel the need to change their diets to get healthy.  and even though i told my doctors that changing my diet has helped me heal faster, they don't really have an interest in researching anti-inflammatory foods, suggesting these things to other patients, or even acknowledging how important it is!  the ideology is so ingrained that people can't see past it or through it or whatever.  even though my co-workers and family members know that these changes are helping me, they still say things like, "well, one sandwich won't kill you!"  and i have to reiterate, "you're right -- it won't kill me, but it might make my eye take longer to heal and frankly, i'm ready to have my vision back!"  i think those two things seem so separate to people that they can't really fathom such a direct connection.
• "no idea is in itself 'ideological;' it may become ideological as soon as it is picked up by power-regulating institutions such as the media and inserted into the ideological reproduction system they organize.  thus, the media seem to have the power to construct deep ideological messages out of trivial, sociologically insignificant events or phenomena" (163).  i guess for me, the institutions i kept thinking about when reading this are the food and health care industries.  another way i'm thinking about this is specifically in the context of insurance.  the ways that we often think about ourselves as healthy (and ailing) people are within the confines of our health care plans.  if you don't have health care, your options becoming exceedingly limited.  and at the same time, if you have an HMO plan like me, everything is parsed out by your PCP's office -- they are the deciding authority on whether you can go to certain specialists and if you decide you want to go to an alt med professional like a chiropractor or acupuncturist, you actually have to convince your doctor that this is, in fact, your body and that it doesn't matter what their belief system about these things are because you are both working in a system that unfairly gives them a certain power over your health decisions.  i often find myself thinking about my own health within the boundaries of what is allowed by my health care plan; i think of specialist visits in terms of co-pay and so on.  and then we're surrounded by all these public discourses that reinforce those ways of thinking and being.
• "at the end of the day, hegemony may be what it is because there is a real price to be paid for being anti-hegemonic.  the price may be that one is not understood, not heard, not recognised as a subject, but it may also be that one is ostracised, exiled, killed or jailed, made unemployable, or declared insane.  as foucault has shown, the boundaries of hegemony are well guarded by coercive institutions" (167).  at a lesser level, i find that regardless of what i do with my body (for example, my change in diet to heal inflammation), the health system is still primarily concerned with its own set of standards.  when i come into my doctor's appointments, i can mention how much the anti-inflammatory diet is healing me, but my doctor's interest is specifically in whether i'm following my medicine plan, whether i'm taking my pills and drops at the recommended doses, and so on.  so i'm allowed to be counter-hegemonic on my own time (for example, i'm sharing my knowledge with others who are dealing with inflammation and with friends, family, and coworkers online), but those practices are still seen as completely separate from who i am in the medical system and it's expected that i don't voice those particular practices in my doctor's visits because they're seen as irrelevant to the issue at hand.  in that system, i am represented by a series of charts and blood test results and logs of each visit and all those things, but it's unlikely that they will ever include any notes on the things i'm doing on my own to heal my body.

well, those are some of the ways that bloomaert's chapter really spoke to my life this week. of course, as i mentioned earlier, the book is really, really interesting and even though it is kind of a primer on various approaches to thinking about discourse, it also is a great primer for larger concepts relating to power and identity.  and it's super accessible, too.

summertime!

clearly, something's been awry because i haven't published a post since march (whoops!). as i likely mentioned in my march post, i won't be in courses again until september. i passed my comps in march (yay), so i've got four courses left, but being near the end of my program, i'm working with fewer and fewer options and there's basically nothing for me to take this summer. that said, i've been keeping busy with lots and lots of summer reading.

among my summer reading is the "song of ice and fire" series, written by george martin. this is the same series that has been turned into the tv show "game of thrones." right now, it looks like each book makes up one season of the show. i'm currently on the second book, "a clash of kings." it's really well-written with interesting and deep characters.

i've also been reading lots of lighter books, including graphic novels, romance novels, fiction in which the main characters are south asian, raw food cookbooks, fashion mags, and the like. i'm trying to do a better job of keeping up with friends' blogs too. that's been a challenge, but i'm hoping the google reader app will help somewhat.

i was pretty disappointed that many of gse's ethnography courses are only offered once a year or once every other year, so i thought about maybe doing my own study by assigning chapters of various books i already own to myself each week, but to be honest, i really can't stop reading the martin series and i just can't be made to read much else (should i really be admitting that? i'm not sure).

in any case, that's a quick update for now, but you should know that i've also downloaded the evernote app to encourage myself to update this blog (and write in general) more regularly. so, i've put together a list of ideas for possible future entries, including some of the following:

-- contractor union issues in my neighborhood
-- the departure/retirement of important long-time faculty members and hiring of a few new faculty
-- my personal views on the practice of generosity and giving and how adopting a practice of giving will improve your life
-- how i put my fels courses to use this spring and helped a friend's non-profit raise $11,000
-- a reflection on the staff-only writing workshop series i hosted at my work this year and what it taught me

those are just some of my ideas. i hope you'll stay tuned as i try to flesh them out this summer.

reading all the time

these past few weeks, i've had an overwhelming amount of reading to do for class but i've somehow managed to get it all done. in the past, i've said that i think students should take at least one day off from school work and i do generally follow this rule myself. however, there are some other steps i've discovered that i think can help us read more and read better, too:

moving breaks to the middle of the week
typically, when classes are done for a week, i breathe a sigh of relief and take the following day off. for example, i have class on monday and tuesday and so wednesday ends up being my "day off" from reading. however, wednesday sometimes filters into thursday and then i'm all of a sudden feeling very behind and completely clueless as to what i need to do. the best study trick i've found is to not use classes as the determinant for when the week starts and ends. rather, use some day further along in the week.

for me, this day is thursday. so, on tuesdays, when my week of classes is done, i try to grab my readings and bring them home. on wednesday, i spend some time getting a grasp on what i have to do for the following week and then i get started doing it. in this way, i'm always on board with the work i have to do and once i have a sense of how much there is, it's easier for me to plan for the rest of the week. that way, by thursday, i can take my "day off" from reading but still have the work on my radar.

reading for pleasure
you might be thinking, "i barely have time to read my school work; how the hell can i fit pleasure reading into this?" it turns out that pleasure reading is actually one important key to being a good student. first, pleasure reading helps you to maintain and at times (for example, my fall reading of the count of monte cristo) gain reading momentum. in other words, it's a great way to make reading a habit without being constantly bogged down with homework. second, pleasure reading is good for you mental health, so doing it actually strengthens your brain and makes you further prepared for the difficult school work you have to do. i have to say that ever since i made reading for pleasure a daily habit, i've actually upped my homework reading as well.