pouring your soul in

as you might have imagined, i've spent the past week in the throes of proposal writing/revising/completing and it really took a lot out of me.  that said, i think it turned out well.  you know that feeling where you've been so inside something you're writing and so absorbed by it that when it's done, you really have no clue how to measure if what you produced is good?  that's kind of where i am.  my proposal hearing is in a couple weeks, and i'm really hoping that after a few days away from the proposal (and after getting adequate rest), i'll be able to read the damn thing and figure out if it's any good.  and of course, this scenario brings with it the possibility that it's horrible and then i'll likely spend the week before my hearing crying hysterically.  as you can see, in its high stakes moments, grad school can really illicit all kinds of unexpected and extreme emotions.

at the same time, grad school, for me at least, has also been a journey of struggles and milestones.  in a way, it's like high-intensity interval training.  you're never really stopping, but you do get those slow-down-and-breathe moments, but only to catch your breath and then you're moving again.  so, i guess producing this proposal has been a real milestone moment for me.  as one program-mate commented to me, it's different than other projects because those are papers you write that matter to you but then they're over.  this is something that is big and thorough like a paper, but in essence, it's like a pre-step to doing the research you want to do.  you're arguing that the project you want to do matters and it's really an argument that is tied to the soul.  so "pouring your soul into your writing" becomes a very literal, actualized experience.  and that's bound to drain a person.

for me, it has been both exhausting and exciting.  on the one hand, i have produced this gigantic thing and i feel so done.  and on the other, i really do just want to have a catch-my-breath moment and then jump right back into it.  i have already created a draft set of proposal hearing slides for my presentation, but i'm sure i'll have a ton of ideas on how to revise it once my head has cleared a little.  we'll see.  truth be told, despite being exhausted, i can't wait to get started on my dissertation research.