happy, healthy grad student

a couple weeks ago, my husband and i were sitting together at home and talking about how much work i had to do that night. he told me that i inspired him because every night after work, i came home and went straight to the couch with my books and studied. he said he was proud of me for doing things the way i have been and for being in school and working on my doctorate and also, for valuing me and us and our future. i've never imagined myself as the kind of person who comes home from work every night and studies, but it makes sense that i am. in fact, i'm modeling behavior that i've witnessed my whole life, first from my own parents who worked their butts off to bring my brothers and me to this country (when my dad had to redo his residency after moving to the states, we would often see him studying at his desk late into the night, a little metal lamp lighting up the pages of his book) and later from my husband who put himself through college and is among the hardest workers and most thoughtful people i know.

the truth is, i don't think i've ever had as "productive" a year as i have this year. i put productive in quotes because i don't even just mean it in an academic way. true, it's been a year full of accomplishments--at work, in my program, in my personal life--, but the most significant accomplishment has been my personal and emotional growth.

i was telling my husband that i was confused/surprised/bewildered by my ability to take 6 courses this year while working, and also that i was curious as to why i hadn't been able to do this in the past. of course, a big part of it was money. i have a student loan now and it's enabled me to take four more courses this year than i was able to afford in previous years (by the way, if you want to talk to someone about loans and paying for school, you can visit karima, gse's associate director of financial aid).

but the thing that has most enabled me to "do more" in these other areas of my life is that i've devoted a lot of 2011 to my own mental health and well-being. i don't typically talk about this kind of thing on my blog, but i think it is an important, even fundamental, part of getting through a grad program. grad school is stressful and exhausting, and if you don't take time for yourself, whether it be through exercise or seeing a therapist or reserving a few nights to be homework-free or ALL of these things, you might not come out of it the person you hoped you'd be.

all this is to say that working on my mental health and on my relationships (and making tough choices about creating distance in unhealthy relationships) has enabled me to do all that i have done this year. i really do feel stronger, smarter, more thoughtful, kinder, and more sensitive to the world than i ever have before. and more than that, i feel happy.